True Blood Trails 4.0: Really, Sookie, who is your ideal man?

By ANTHONY D’ALESSANDRO It’s an odd question to ask in the third season, but what exactly does Sookie want in a longtime male companion?


This thought crossed my mind after watching the Amy Heckerling mobster satire “Johnny Dangerously” for the 34th time.

Just stay with me on this.

There’s a great scene where Michael Keaton, as kingpin Dangerously, looks out on the horizon with Marilu Henner, as his g.f. Lil, and dreams of a picket-fenced life. They pull out the stops hysterically, envisioning the American Dream, i.e. joining the PTA and talking to a neighbor named Fred.

What’s hysterical is you know that such a life isn’t even within their grasp – they’re gangsters.

The same can be said about Sookie and her desire to maintain a long-term relationship with her roguish gaggle of monstrous gentleman callers. If Bill ever had to lead young boys on a cub scout trip, he’d eat them before dinner.

Which begs the question: What does Sookie want in her romances with vampires and werewolves? Does she want vampire babies? Does she want to spend the rest of her life fending off enemy werewolves and bloodsuckers? And what about Bill’s jealous ex, Lorena? Sookie has to worry about her stopping by to borrow a cup of flesh.

Yes, sans Sookie’s desire to hang with Bill, there would be no “True Blood.” But in Sunday’s episode “9 Crimes,” Sookie is faced with a future without Bill.

Long story longer, Bill at the onset of the episode phones Sookie and breaks up with her. He’s just had some violent sex with Lorena and realizes he’s too much of an animal to be with Sookie. His desire to have bloody whoopee, (which makes S&M look like a walk in the park) can only be fulfilled by having hook-ups with female vampires. No reason to lead Sookie on; it will never work. Very mature move Bill. If only Edward and Jacob could have that much foresight in “Twilight.”

For Sookie, Bill represents a break from the hum-drum small-town life among the mossy oaks. He’s both Superman and James Dean in the deep South. That works well for Sookie since she’s always felt like an outsider with those mental talents of hers. Life is exciting with Bill – you get to leave Bon Temps and hang out in swanky vampire hotels and discuss politics among the clan. Going off the cliff with this theory, Sookie’s lack of a solid father figure (he died when she was eight years old) fuels her need for cocksure authoritarians.

At the same time, what Sookie finds kinky about Bill should also scare the living daylights out of her. Think of her power – she can read any guy’s mind. Once she gets past other guys’ naughty thoughts about her, Sookie possesses the power to be the perfect mate. She’ll easily be able to sort which guys are sincere, not to mention she can solve any complex situation with the opposite sex (Sookie should also be working on Wall Street – think of all the money she could amass just by hearing others’ inner voices…Apparently, in the books, Sookie’s father tapped into this during her childhood, using her to discern the true intentions of business clients).

So if it’s not Bill, then it’s Eric or Alcide – hence it’s obvious Sookie likes bad, animalistic boys. It’s only a matter of time before that love triangle forms; a war that could rival the clash between Capulets and Montagues.

It will take some more suffering on Sookie’s part, before she realizes that Sam Merlotte, who so desperately pines for her heart (you can even see it in the way he carries his body posture), is the best guy in town.

Image courtesy: HBO

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